Into the double digits
February 20, 2002

I'm writing this only after just having gotten back from chemo #10 so I'm not sure how the general side effects for this go will be yet. But this chemo is noteworthy already since it was crappy.

I started today with my prednisone at home, then drove through cruddy weather to the cancer center. Elizabeth came which was very nice of her. I'm not sure why anyone would choose to come along since it's so boring but I definitely appreciate it. I got my blood taken and then went to see the doctor. He asked how my lungs are doing (which are doing quite a lot better than they were). He then told me I'd finish up the 3 weeks on 60 mg prednisone (a week and 2 days left) and then I'd be tapered off over about 3-4 weeks. Bleh. 10mg reduction every 5 days.

Then I asked him if the CT Scan I had for my lungs showed any cancer, or if it would have. He didn't have the report. Of course not.

Then I asked how long it would take to get the results of my restaging CT scan that's happening a week tomorrow. He said that things are so backed up at the hospital with CT scans that it could take up to a month. If I waited a month, I would already be done my 12th (hopefully last) chemo, so I asked how we'd deal with that. If we don't have the results by then, I keep getting chemos. It's really frustrating that, should that happen, the length of my treatment is determined by flaws in the healthcare system and understaffing and lack of resources rather than my body's own reaction to the drugs that are intended to rid it of disease. It's not right, but there's absolutely no way to avoid that at this point, and it's just more and more waiting and seeing and relying on stupid practises that could be simplified with organization to benefit absolutely everyone involved. But then again, why make things easy or convenient. That would be expensive.

So, after hearing that and hearing it would take me 3-4 weeks to get off the prednisone, I was very frustrated. Add that to the fact that I was on drugs that cause me to cry for no reason, this frustration was more than enough to get me wound up. I'm still really unimpressed that things can be so easily toyed with here and no one seems to care to do anything about it at all. Knowing the hospital is so backed up, why wasn't my scan booked a month ago? Why am I told to tell the technician it's urgent, why doesn't the doctor do that? And even if I did, do I really think he/she would care? Hundreds of other people need results too. I guess doctors just realize that these problems are unavoidable and no amount of pestering the next guy down the line is going to help whatsoever. I don't like feeling like there's room for progress to be made but those with the power to help that happen just don't care.

But all in all, I suppose it doesn't matter. Tack a few more weeks of waiting and seeing onto 5 months of doing the same. Que sera sera.

As for chemo, the IV started on my left arm wasn't co-operating. I got through the adriamycin and vinblastine alright but the dacarbazine was going very slowly and kept stopping. So they took out that IV and started a new one on my right arm. About three hours in all.

Right now I feel like about three bucks. I'm pukey, tired, frustrated and worn out entirely. My mind has lost almost all ability to remind myself that I've just got to stick it out for a little while longer. Every time I try, I get knocked back. I don't feel like myself at all. I hate thinking I'm so close to the end but not knowing where that end is at all. My mom has the week off next week so we're going away for a few days. If anyone has any tips on how to hibernate, I'd appreciate them.

*february 23, 2001* Side effects have been barely noticeable. Prednisone knocks out nausea pretty nicely. Normal worn out feeling. My frustration has subsided for the time being. Things beyond my control are exactly that. I'm going to Toronto on Tuesday until Thursday. wee.

*later still* I did my CT Scan of the neck, chest, abdomen and pelvis on February 28. The technician said it would take 2 weeks for the results. The barium drink wasn't nearly as gross as the first one. I had more but it was more watered down.