June 5, 2002

It's weird being done. The initial excitement has worn down but it kicks in every now and then. It just doesn't seem like it should be happening. For so long I wanted to be where I am now. It became something to look forward to but remained as that for so long that I never thought of it as being a reality. And now that it is, I don't recognize it.

It's not over, it never will be. Yeah I'm done chemo but I'm just at the beginning of a new life. I'll never be the same as I was before. That's more apparent now than ever.

Just this past week I've finally taken a step back and looked at the past eight months. And the years before that. It's unbelievable. Since September 14th I never really looked at it all. It was just gogogo. Now I'm done that and it's all so weird. Mostly it's feelings of "what the hell?" What just happened? Cancer. Me. At 19. And I beat it. It's like it all happened to someone else. Not the same person who is Heather Cleland with my life. But this is me and this all happened to me. There's no way to put these feelings into words. It all seems like a blur. But I had cancer. I just spent 8 months getting chemotherapy. All of this is my life.

When I read back on the things I wrote during the past months, I can't believe it. It's all so clear in my memory but now is surrounded with bewilderment. At the time it was a mission. Straight forward. Gogogo. This is what cancer is, you've got it. This is what chemo is, you need it. These are the side effects, the tests, the procedures, go go go. I followed instructions, I did what I had to do. Now, looking at it from afar, I don't see it all as simply a roadblock or just another challenge to deal with. This was huge. Life changing. One horrible phone call paving the descent into fear and uncertainty and sadness. It wasn't all bad, there were some great times but overall, this was huge. And to see that I approached it with nonchalance and humour and calmness bewilders me. That's why it seems like another person because I don't know how I could do it. But I'm so glad that I did.

So many people say they wouldn't handle cancer like I did. And I have no idea how I handled it like I did. But there's a lot of reassurement that comes with learning first hand that you're capable of the very things you thought were impossible.

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