(i like the radiation) (thoughts)

Journal entry
February 17

I went to Elizabeth's grandfather's wake tonight. He died on Thursday from cancer (I believe). I'd never been to a wake before. I've still never been to a funeral. I wasn't quite sure if it was my place to show up since I had never met the man. Also, I knew it would be uncomfortable for me since I'd never been to one before and the man had died from a disease I'm currently fighting. But I'm glad I went. Elizabeth appreciated it. It made me realize how selfless you've got to be at times. Yeah, I felt uncomfortable, I didn't have a clue what to say to relatives, I had my first look at a dead body. A body put in that lifeless situation by the same manifestation that has invaded mine. But it would have been absolutely selfish of me to use those reasons to justify my avoidance of the situation. My unease with the circumstances can in no way measure up to the amount of pain forced on Elizabeth and her family. How dare I consider my feelings so valuable and superior?

I do realize that in my isolated circumstances I've got every right to be a little selfish every now and then. But the world doesn't stop moving and I'll never come close to being at the centre of it no matter how things unfold. That fact slapped me in the face tonight. I don't care who I am, what happens to me, or where I go. I've always got to preparped to throw myself away at the very moment someone I care for needs it more than I do.

After tonight, I couldn't imagine living any other way. To be so consumed with yourself that you fail to simply let someone know you care or to pass up the simple opportunity to alleviate even a speck of pain for someone? Not to say these ideas should be adopted as rule for the entire human population - this is based purely on myself.

I guess I just realized that I'm fortunate enough to know that I've never got to go through anything alone in my life. Whether I want to or not. I guess I'm also fortunate enough to realize that neither does anyone I love.