Journal entry
March 6

I've done it.

Remission. No signs of cancer. Clean scans. Clear scans. Cancer free.

It's fantastic. Amazing. A dream come true. A goal accomplished. The greatest accomplishment of my life. I've beaten cancer. I've succeeded. I'm one of the 90%. There was cancer in me and now there isn't. Remission. I am so happy.

But my prediction of something "bad" to come was right. Because I had the bleomycin removed, the doctor says that it would be best to continue for the full 8 cycles to be safe. And as much as I see his point and know he may be right, I'm devastated. That's five more chemos. And it's my own fault that I built up the expectation of ending at 6. I'm not happy about it and I know these last ones will be hard. I thought the end was just over that hill but I got to the top of the hill and realized there's 5 more to climb. It's discouraging and upsetting. But I'll have my moment. It'll pass. Then it's back to the drawing board.

As much as I hate the idea that I've got to go on, and as much as I think what difference does it make if I do more, if I didn't do this 2 more cycles and had a relapse, I would be kicking myself so hard then. So do it now. I don't want that guilt and regret. Oh man, how I wish things weren't this way. But at least it's not 3 more cycles, or 6 more, or no more becuase I'm dead or 2 more because it's not gone.

I AM IN REMISSION. I HAVE NO CANCER.

May 15th is the last chemo if nothing gets knocked off schedule. I'll do it. Five more. That's it. Oh man I'm so happy I'm in remission. It's hitting me now. It's a fatnastic feeling. Unfortunate that it's so bittersweet but at least it's not just bitter.

Remission. I did it. I love this. No cancer. A few more chemos so it'll never come back.

Remission. Oh man. If only there were words to describe it. When I forget about the rest of the treatment to come.... remission. In itself. Beautiful. Ignore the side effects, the "extra" time, the planning, the timing.

Remission. Wow.

It's almost like it's been a second diagnosis. Not nearly as bad as the first. But my initial reaction to the "diagnosis" of 2 more cycles (yeah they're not extra but feel entirely like that since I created my own expectations of only 6 - a wrong move, but whatever) was "how the hell am I going to do that, that's impossible." But slowly it's turning into a "rah I can do it." I've gotten so far already. I can do this. It's not that much. It kinda sucks that I have to go through these knowing I'm in remission. I've gotta consider this to be the chemo that kills the extra stuff that was missed on the scans. So I've gotta believe I'm cancer free but still fighting cancer. Tough. But this is so it never comes back. But if it does... at least I know I did all I could in the first shot and didn't slack off at any point. And I hate regret. This is to avoid that. It really is in my best interest in the long run. The short run is pretty friggin long too though. But it'll end. May 15. Two months and nine days. Repeat from the halfway mark on. Just over 5/8 done. Chemo once every 2 weeks and living in remission every day in between. That's how I'll do it.

Remission. No longer Heather Cleland with cancer. I don't have cancer. I am in remission.

Remission. Happiness. I can do this. I've done it.

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