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Journal entry
The natural forces of the earth make it so easy to fall. And they make it so much more difficult to fight to get back up. But the view is so much nicer from up top. So much nicer. It makes the fight, no matter how difficult, all worthwhile. Becuase that moment, above it all, is beautiful. ..................... There is a part of my mind that, right from the start, has taken control and has been yelling "go go go!" non-stop. No matter what happens, that chunk of my mind has never had a problem keeping everything on track and reassuring the troops. But now, suddenly, that part of my mind is fading out. It might say "yeah, give it a shot, whatever" every now and then but it's fizzling out. Like it's saying "I give up, I'm coming along for the ride but I'll be in the backseat sleeping. Wake me up when we get there." But no one knows where we're going or how to get there. There's no backup driver or auto-pilot. I don't know what triggered the change but something's got to be done. Without that part of my mind with the ability to maintain control and stability and calmness, I'm a mess. Is it the drugs? The timing makes sense, but is that just a scapegoat for my own dwindling strength? I strive for control over myself and everything within me that makes up myself. Without that, I'm nothing and that is exactly how I feel right now. How the hell do you find yourself when you're lost? If I could pinpoint exactly what is triggering all this, I'm sure it would make more sense and I could do something about it. But even that is beyond me right now. And I don't know why. ..................... Before, my biggest fear was cancer. Afraid I wouldn't beat it, afraid I wouldn't be OK. But I've killed that fear. I'm no longer afraid. That's the major difference. These are new times. I've won. It's not "Am I going to be OK?". It's "I am OK." ..................... I feel like I'm being selfish again. Being upset by the "extra" chemo. I thought about people today, other cancer patients. Many of them will never hear the word remission. They may never hear "only 2 more months, then you can stop." They may never be able to say "I did it." I have all that and I'm upset because I've gotta do 2 more months than I expected? Man. I've got it made. I'm in remission. Suck it up like you have for the past 5 months. My biggest fear now is being bored. Not will I be OK, will I beat cancer, will I survive this. Find something to do, don't whine about it, don't feel sorry for yourself. Two months. Man. What was I thinking, really. Two months of boredom, some limitations, some side effects. But no fear, no uncertainty. I've done it. I've got the life thousands of people dream of. And I'm worried becuase I might get bored. Fuck. What a waste of time. This is adjustment. I refuse to feel sorry for myself as long as there's someone who longs to be in my shoes. And, unfortunately, there probably always will be. (back) |
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