April 4, 2002

I got an e-mail tonight telling me Rachael died. On March 30th. She was in the hospital for 2 weeks.

I'm in shock. I'm not sure what to think. I had a feeling something was wrong, I hadn't heard from her since January. But it's so much worse when that "feeling" becomes reality. She was 22. I met her in January. She was so laid back. So eager to know how I was doing, what I was doing. Her e-mails were so positive. She told me she had a 1 in 20 chance in surviving 5 years. I was completely shocked. She followed with "Oh well, we'll see how things go...".

I think she was diagnosed about a month after me. And almost a month after I was told I was in remission, she died.

I cannot believe the thoughts that have gone through my mind in the past month, in regard to my own situation. I cannot believe I had the nerve to be so upset by discovering I needed two more months of treatment. Especially after having the privilege of finding out I was in remission. And that's exactly what it was - a privilege. Not a right, I don't deserve any of this. I'm not owed anything. It's a gift. Given by luck? Maybe. Seemingly. But it's one that I, even after going through the life-changing experience of cancer, failed to appreciate in it's entirety.

Her diagnosis was just as random as mine. Her life leading up to her diagnosis was just as normal as mine. She had the same expectations of life as me. After diagnosis, she was just as hopeful, just as determined as I am, if not more. Her struggle ended just as randomly as mine.

There's no answer to the question why her and not me. No answer.

I just can't believe I felt so sorry for myself.

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