Journal entry
September 16

Things have began to settle slightly, for now at least. I'm beginning to come to terms with what I know. But who knows how I'll feel when I learn more in a few days. It's really hard to fully grasp everything since I feel so normal. I've thought about a few things though. I don't want to keep this a secret. I'm not going to stand on a corner downtown and yell at the top of my lungs that I have cancer but I'm not ashamed of this. There's no reason to be ashamed. I'm not going to hide from this because then I'd be hiding from myself and from reality. I want people to know what's happening to me and I want people to know that I know they know. I don't want people to treat me differently or feel like they're walking on glass when they're around me. But if I act like I'm different, I'll be treated as such. If I act afraid, people will be afraid of me. If I respect myself and the things that happen to me, people will respect me and the things they see happening to me. People follow by example so the one I set forth will lead others' reactions.

Like Sartre says, life is a series of choices. Existence comes before essence. Your essence is determined by the choices you make in life. Even in a case like mine, I still have the ability to choose in which direction I will lead my life.

I can either chooes to let this consume me and control me and run me down. Or I can choose to fight and to persevere while maintaining myself and my existence. I'm sure this is some sort of blessing in disguise. Already I can see how this has opened my eyes wader than they were before. There's a chinese proverb - "It is better to light a candle than to curse the darkness." That's the distinction I have to make. I can be consumed by darkness or shed my own light.

Another thing: IF I do lose my hair, I don't want a wig. I've been so adamant in the past about refusing to wear make-up due to it's superficiality and attempting to cover my head with superficial hair purely for cosmetic reasons would be completely hypocritical of myself. Like I said, I've got nothing to hide. I'll be bald because of chemotherapy and I'll have had chemotherapy because of cancer and I won't be trying to hide it. It's not a matter of pride, it's a matter of respect and confidence with myself. I did nothing wrong. I have a new defining feature being added to me but I want the world to know I'm OK (not necessarily happy) about the course of events that has happened in my life and the decisions I've made to accommodate. It's the people who try to hide their illness that provide the grounds for insecurity on the part of the patient and the onlookers. If I feel fine, content, secure with what is happening to me I'll give others no reason to react in any other manner. Maybe all these thoughts will change when I discover more and especially when the treatment begins and it feels more real. But what I've said seems the only logical way to go about this. I have not lost control over myself and my life. Only gained more motivation to seize the control I've had all along and will continue to have for the rest of my life. My life is mine to live and nothing will stop me from doing that as long as I remain in control. The instant I give up control is the instant I give up my life.

I want to start the treatment. I want it over with, I want this out of me and I want to live.

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