Fifteen bo bifteen
May 8, 2002

So I've got 15 chemos under my belt now. Ew. I should really change my belt. Full of IV bags, no good. But ONE MORE!! Only one more 2 week wait between chemos. Only one more blood test, one more start of an IV, one more 2 hour wait while hooked up to an IV. Only 10 more Neupogen shots (70 in total, yeow, so many holes...).

So today I got my blood work, fine and dandy. I saw the doctor, pretty uneventful. I'm getting another CT Scan after the next chemo (he said before that we wouldn't bother with one after chemo, but he also greeted me with "so last chemo today!!"..... uh.... no......). CT scans are pretty common procedure after chemo though, so it's not a problem. I'll also do my pulmonary function test and heart test again to see if my lovely organs are functioning properly. My lungs feel fantastic since finishing prednisone though (2 months ago).

Then I went over to the chemo room and had to wait forever to get in. Wednesdays are two for one day, it gets pretty backed up. As we were waiting, my mom was walking around and a man approached her. He told her he had seen me in the chemo room a few months ago and just wanted to tell her how he thinks I look so much better now. Gee thanks, January was my best month too, I thought I looked great. No, I looked pretty iffy. These days I have more hair, and I'm just generally a lot more happy than I have been. It was definitely nice to hear. Some people are just nice people, and at a cancer center it's hard to focus on anyone but yourself. I think it says a lot about people who can acknowledge the world going on around them despite their crappy circumstances. I think he was the same man who walked by me, a few months ago in the chemo room, and said good luck. People don't have to do things like that. It was nice to hear, since most other people in that room just stare at me sympathetically.

Chemo went fine once I got in. My blood counts were fantastic. My neutrophils were 2.4 (up a whole 1000 netrophils from last time!) My white blood cell count was.... something.... I forget. 5.2 maybe? At least the chemo isn't affecting my memory... But that's good news nonetheless. I'm so proud of my blood. Sticking it out to the bitter end (knock on wood).

Left arm today and it was being a little difficult. But no more chemo for that arm! I notice the saline taste more these days. Benadryl is annoying. I kept seeing a light on the ceiling out of the corner of my eye and thinking it was a screen being lowered. This is your brain on drugs..... weird...

Now I feel OK, nothing to get excited about. The worst time is always the afternoon after. Only one more of those.

I've been feeling really good lately. The weather has been really nice so I've been out a lot more than I was all winter. I rarely wear hats these days. I've got about a centimeter of hair, maybe a bit more. It's all over my head but a little thinner in some places. I love it though. It's definitely thicker than it has been. It was so thin in February.

February and March were the worst months, I think. Once I got my fever in January, things just started happening one after another. The end seemed so far away and although I knew it would end one day, the end seemed so far away that I felt there was no point in getting excited about it. Now it's two weeks away. Believe me, I'm excited. I never thought I'd get to this day. I concentrated everything on each chemo and dealing with it as though it would never end because, some days, it felt that way. It's going to definitely be an adjustment getting used to a life without chemo, that's all I've known for 8 months. Two thirds of a year. But I've handled adjustment before. I'm so excited for all the good things to come... unbelievably excited.

I'm so happy these days.... it definitely makes the bad days in the past seem worth it entirely. And it may only get better. There's always the possiblity of it suddenly turning bad again, but right now it's absolutely lovely. I wish there was a word that acurately described the feeling of smiling, since that's all I can do right now...

OK enough of this dorkiness.... one more to go. ONE. Smile.