Journal entry
March 19

Fuck. Neverending, really. I got another fever. It was high Sunday morning so we called the people to call. They said keep an eye on it, if it gets worse, call back. It went up and down all day (39.3 at it's hightest. 37 is normal) but went down at night. I felt pukey all day and that went away. During the night my mom checked on me and the fever was back up. She called. They said to take tylenol and come in in the morning. Still high in the morning and the pukiness was worse. So we went in. Four hours. A litre of saline, blood tests, blood cultures, urine sample, throat swab, antibiotics and a prescription for more. It took the fever away but it came back this morning but seem to be down again now. I still feel pukey. No one knows what it is. Fuck this is so annoying. I hate it. I dunno if this will screw over chemo for tomorrow. This is so tiresome. I have a huge bruise on my arm from the IV yesterday. My viens are fucked. My body's fucked. I dunno how I'm gonna do this for 2 months. I'm so worn out and worn down.

I'm losing confidence. I know I can do it and that I will do it but I feel like I'm falling apart. My body, my mind. Everything is in pieces. Nothing is going well. It's constantly one thing after another. And sure it could be worse, it could be way worse but I'm fucking miserable so who cares? What's the point of picking myself up when I'm down when I'm only going to get knocked down again?

My arms are just 2 dead sticks to me, bruised and beaten. I don't know how my viens will last. If they'll last.

This is destroying me. Entirely. Every aspect of myself. I want to go back. Or 2 months forward. I don't know how I can do this.

I feel like for so long I've held up this front like I'm so strong and so ready and nothing will bring me down. And it was great and worked at the time. But now... I've gotten rid of the cancer and I'm just putting in time. But I feel like that confidence is just useless. And like I'm getting more and more weak and falling into more and more pieces. And getting so far away from myself. That's what I hate the most. This is not me. This is not my life. I know I should convince myself to just pick myself up and carry on like I've been doing all along, it just seems like so much more of an effort now. One person picking themself up is useless when there are so many outside factors just waiting to knock them dwon without a moments notice when they're up.

I hate what this is doing to my mind. I'm terrified of what it's doing to my body. Throughout this all I haven't been one to just take the punches lying down but right now I feel like that's all I can do. Lie here and ask 'what next' .

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