Journal entry
September 14, 2001

My mom called today and told me that Rebecca should be in the room. I knew it was bad. She told me that I have Hodgkin's Lymphoma - a form of cancer. I'm in shock.

Heather, the girl with the neverending jokes about cancer kids, chemo patients and radiation, has cancer. I have cancer. One of the statistics you always ignore. I'm no longer a part of "we" or "us". I'm "them". Someone I don't even know and never thought I'd ever need to know. This time next year I might not have any hair. I have cancer. I need chemotherapy. Something is growing inside of me that I cannot control. It could potentially kill me. I'm 19 years old. I go to university. I have cancer. What the hell? This is unreal. My whole philosophy is that every person has an incredible amount of control and power over their own lives. What happens to each of us is entirely controlled by us. There are influential factors, but ultimately, we are our own higher powers. I guess I never took into account the fact that there exist things in this world that even our own higher powers can't touch. Sure my own will will play a role in my treatment but if cancer could be cured by determination then I wouldn't be feeling the way I do. I want to ask what the hell did I do wrong but I know as much as the next person that that's ridiculous. There's no one/nothing to blame. Hodgkin's is almost the best cancer to get but it's still a cancer. It may not kill me but it will torment me and run me down both physically and mentally. Why the hell should anyone my age or any age have to put up with this? I'm terrified of what's to come. I hate not knowing every detail. With something so important and so drastic about to suddenly throw itself into my life, I want to know what exactly to expect. But no one knows.

It's somewhat reassuring to think that this is how my life was meant to be. Not to say this is my "destiny" but my life without this (hopefully) minor glitch would not be the life of Heather. I would not be Heather unless I got diagnosed with cancer on September 14, 2001.

I go on Wednesday to get more information. My mom is coming here on Monday night. I'm so happy about that. I'm still in shock. I want this to be a dream. I want to go on Wednesday and hear that they just discovered a cure that takes one day and has no side effects. I want them to tell me that they made a mistake and I'm really perfectly fine. I will be perfectly fine, it's just the treatment that will be the hardest. I wish it wasn't now and not when I'm young. These years are supposed to be the best. Now they've been screwed up. Why does one person get an easy, fun life and I get this? I know I don't deserve anything and I know it's completely random but where did this come from? I know I should feel no different than I did when I woke up this morning but my entire life has changed. I'm not the same person I used to be. I'm still Heather but I'm Heather with cancer. The difference is incredible. I'm sure it will all work out for the best but right now I just want to erase this all. The only thing that's changed is that I now know more than I did this morning. But I suddenly feel so much more unhealthy and helpless and scared and confused and frustrated and happy and sad. I have cancer. How the hell did this happen?

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