Journal entry
January 26

I'm still so bored. I'm driving myself crazy. I have nothing to do. No motivation. Complete lethargy. Absolutely no motivation. I hate the feeling. I want to get up and go but I have nowhere to go. Nothing to see. No one to talk to. Days go by so slowly. Nothing exciting happens. I'm so sick of routine. I'd love a routine. Just not this one. Too bored to move or eat or speak. Sleeping is the only way to escape. I've never wanted to see the ending of something so badly. I've never been so bored. I've never been at such a loss of mental stimulation. I really have no idea what to do with myself. I'm so lonely, so bored, so frustrated, so tired, so far away from the person I'm used to being. The person I miss so much. The person I can't wait to see again. I'm completely helpless right now. Listening to boring, dragging emo. Going nowhere.

I keep asking "what's next?" but what's next isn't for at least 2 months. I've been on pause for far too long and I think I'm just turning off. My mind is blank and there's nothing to fill it. I want to fill it.

I want excitement and happiness and laughter and that feeling you get that words just can't describe when all you can do is throw your hands up to the sunshine and wonder "what the hell did I do to deserve this?" but in the exact opposite way that I wonder the same thing right now.

I'm so tired of all of this but there's no way to escape it. I'm stuck here no matter what for at least 2 more months so deal with it. I just don't know how I'll do it. I've reached the end of my rope. I'm just hanging in mid-air wondering what's next.

I'm so sick of TV and so sick of the internet and so sick of boring books and the newspaper and trying to find a meal. That's everything I do. I want something new. I want this to be over. I hate it so much.

I feel so far away from myself right now. I feel so different, so unlike me. There's absolutely nothing going through my mind these days and that emptiness is unbearable. It's like I hear every second of every day tick by and I just don't care.

This is not me. I want to be me. It pisses me off that it has to be like this but I've got no choice. What can I do with myself? I'm looking for someone or something to magically lend a hand but there's no one/nothing there. I'm at a complete dead end but trying so hard to keep moving forward. It's useless.

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