Journal entry
November 5, 2001

I feel so bad tonight. I started listening to Enya and it got me all upset. This CD reminds me so much of last year in res. Rebecca and I used to listen to this CD as we fell asleep. We had so much fun last year. It was so amazing. My first year of living on my own and it was perfect in so many ways.

I miss that. I miss having endless fun. I miss having my only worries being about due dates at school. And stupid boy problems. I miss being carefree. I miss just carrying on, having fun. I know that I took it for granted. I know that all this so far has taught me not to take stuff like that for granted. But I want to be back like that. I want to take that for granted.

I don't feel sorry for myself. I dont believe that I'm "supposed" to be in Victoria and not here. I don't doubt that I'll be OK. I know that soon enough this will all be over but sometimes I just wish I could be carrying on, having fun, having the time of my life, taking my health for granted with my only concerns being how well I will do in school and not will I succeed in beating cancer. It's too much.

95% of the time I'm fine and so happy. I surprise myself with how well I'm handling this. But then there are times like this. So rare but I just suddenly realize it. I have cancer. What am I doing here? What is going on? How do you explain something like this?

I could push it aside and tell myself not to worry about it. I'm dealing fine and soon enough it'll be over so forget about it.

I don't doubt that I can handle this. But why do I have to? Beucase that's just the way it goes? That's just the luck of the draw? Shit happens?

I hate the idea that I had to move from Victoria becuase I have cancer. I hate it so much. I hate hte idea that I have cancer. I don't care that it'll teach me a thing or two about life and taking things for granted. I hate this so much. I want it to be over. I hate that people feel bad for me. I hate that my life is focused around hospitals and appointments. I hate that I'm getting used to needles. I hate that my hair is coming out. I hate that my health is always an underlying thought no matter what I do. I hate that this takes so long to do. I hate that this might not be the end of it. I hate having to deal well with this. I hate having to deal at all with this.

"It's not so bad, it could be worse." Right. It could be better. So what.

I know that I'm not "supposed" to be in Victoria right now. I know I'm not supposed to be anywhere but here right now. But how I wish I was.

Just becuase one copes well with an adverse situation doesn't mean they don't dream of prosperity.

This is too much.

I miss living.

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